January 2005

Ah, luxury! The final assignment has been sent off to its owner and now YT has two days to fiddle with the details of her upcoming trip and get herself all psyched. As loyal readers will know, YT received a rather unexpected phone call last October in which a complete stranger offered her an all-expenses paid trip to the UK, courtesy of the Nordic Council of Ministers. To attend a conference of Nordic translators who translate Literary Works into English.

It is safe to say that the phrase ‘like winning the lottery’ sprung to YT’s SAD-infested brain on that bleak October morning. At the time the event also loomed somewhere way waaayyy off in the post-Christmas era – which curiously enough has now arrived.

What has also arrived is the conference programme and what a treat it promises to be! Not knowing what to expect, YT had not envisioned anything in particular. Yet from reading the programme it becomes apparent that the purpose of this conference is to do some serious networking and introduce us Nordic Translator Persons [a mere 14 of us] to Arts Executives, Media Pundits, Publishers and at least one Famous Author [whose name I am reluctant to announce as the name is followed by a ‘tbc’.] Yowsa!

THE WEATHER

Has done a turnaround. It’s been raining, which means our ubiquitous white stuff has been transformed into sheets of ice. The Weather Office has released avalanche warnings for the entire West Fjords, which is highly unusual – normally it only applies to particular locations. The reason being, of course, that when the snow starts to melt it gets really heavy and when there’s storm – which is also in the cards for today – it can act as a catalyst and send it thundering down the mountainsides. Which is bad bad news. Especially if you happen to live at the foot of the mountain. Temps are currently 6°C [42.8°F]. Sunrise is at 10.31 and sunset is set for 16.50.

One of those ‘nothing very much happened’ days… slept late, fruit salad for brekky (much whipped cream and semi-sweet chocolate was involved), took AAH to get a pair of jazz dance shoes, then to paint store to choose paint for her room [red! yikes… she’ll see red all the time!] and since there was a pet store next door, ducked in there to buy Polly some ant eggs for her gourmet pleasure [yes, you read that right]. And for our gourmet pleasure – some cake and pastries were picked up at the bakery on the way home. After which coffee/tea were brewed and pastries imbibed until I could no longer procrastinate and had to sit my butt down at the computer to try to finish an assignment I have promised to deliver bright and early Monday morning. Which demands being worked on at the weekend because I spend TOO MUCH DAMN TIME READING BLOGS AND WRITING WEATHER REPORTS during proper working hours.

Bad, bad YT.

JEEZ, HIRE A TRANSLATOR, OK?!

Or – no, on second thought, don’t. ‘Cause these are good:

At a Budapest zoo:

PLEASE DO NOT FEED THE ANIMALS. IF YOU HAVE ANY SUITABLE FOOD, GIVE IT TO THE GUARD ON DUTY.

Doctor’s office, Rome:

SPECIALIST IN WOMEN AND OTHER DISEASES.

Information booklet about using a hotel air conditioner, Japan:

COOLES AND HEATES: IF YOU WANT CONDITION OF WARM AIR IN YOUR ROOM, PLEASE CONTROL YOURSELF.

Tokyo hotel’s rules and regulations:

GUESTS ARE REQUESTED NOT TO SMOKE OR DO OTHER DISGUSTING BEHAVIOURS IN BED.

Hotel brochure, Italy:

THIS HOTEL IS RENOWNED FOR ITS PEACE AND SOLITUDE. IN FACT, CROWDS FROM ALL OVER THE WORLD FLOCK HERE TO ENJOY ITS SOLITUDE.

Hotel lobby, Bucharest:

THE LIFT IS BEING FIXED FOR THE NEXT DAY. DURING THAT TIME WE REGRET THAT YOU WILL BE UNBEARABLE.

And a YT personal favourite:

Car rental brochure, Tokyo:

WHEN PASSENGER OF FOOT HEAVE IN SIGHT, TOOTLE THE HORN. TRUMPET HIM MELODIOUSLY AT FIRST, BUT IF HE STILL OBSTACLES YOUR PASSAGE THEN TOOTLE HIM WITH VIGOUR.

TODAY’S WEATHER WAS…

A brief respite from too damn freezing cold. Current temps are around 2° C (36.5 F) and when EPI and I went for our little hike around the golf course it actually rained on us. The sun came up at 10.36 and set at 16.43. Getting long! Er. Long-er.

Today is Bóndadagur here in Iceland, meaning that if you are female and have a husband or partner (male) you’re supposed to do a whole bunch of nice things for them. It’s the equivalent of Valentine’s day, only those crafty Icelanders have gone one step further and have two such days – one for the husband, one for the wife. [My time will come, heh]. Which is kind of nice, because you get to spoil and be spoiled in turn.

Today also happens to mark the start of the traditional month of Þorri according to the old Icelandic calendar. To commemorate this the Icelanders devised a feast called Þorrablót – which in fact is also traditional but has undergone some changes, specifically in that nowadays a lot of putrid food gets eaten. Now, whether it is coincidence that this falls upon the very same day as the day you’re supposed to spoil your husband… remains unanswered. ‘Cause the kind of putrid food you’re supposed to imbibe has become kind of a machoism and most men have it way up high on their must-lists for this particular day.

YT, therefore, has dutifully gone out and bought some cured shark and pickled whale blubber to make EPI really happy. This is the same cured shark delicacy that some will recognize from those ubiquitous ‘weird-Icelanders’ myths, which sometimes report that the shark is pissed upon and then buried in the ground for many weeks before being deemed fit for eating. And, indeed, this was the way they used to do it [although to be frank I’ve never heard of anybody really pissing on any section of shark. Thankfully.] Whatever: eating a small dice-sized piece of said shark is one of those CRIPES! experiences that will put hair on your chest bigtime. In fact, YT has just imbibed about five such pieces and can feel the hair sprouting forth already.

The same cannot be said for the pickled whale blubber, however, which is just exquisite and in fact used to be one of YT’s favourite foods when she was a child. Call me weird – I don’t care. Whale-eater – pfft! That is some seriously good shit.

This, however, is the extent of our culinary weirdness this evening – we’re going to pass on the singed sheeps’ heads, ram’s testicles and intestines. Instead we shall return to the Civilized World and have lamb filets with sautéed apples, gourmet mushrooms and rucola. And copious amounts of red wine. And Ben & Jerry’s for dessert. Yo.

THE WEATHER

See yesterday’s report. It was exactly the same, except that the temps were a slight bit lower. As in, cold. But a gorgeous day, pure sun-drenched glory. The sun came up at 10.39 and set at 16.40.

I’ve seen a number of blogs out there lately where people seem deeply immersed in SAD, which is really a drag. Now for all those SAD people, YT has a suggestion: try coming up here to live. For YT at least, SAD season is when one moves into the heart of darkness, while HAPPY season is moving out of it again, like now. The lengthening of the day - it’s the greatest!

Up ahead are those long summer days when the light is so magical and the sun doesn’t bother to set because it’s too much fun staying up. And everybody is filled with energy and the nature all around is so beautiful. Can’t wait! To go camping, hiking. Last year we explored parts of the West Fjords - it was YT’s first time there and I can tell you that I came back a changed person. It totally got under my skin.

Wouldn’t want to live there in winter, though. What with avalanche threats and evacuations and horrible storms. Might go for a visit at some point, though, just for the experience. Expect it would be purritty scary - all those towering mountains and forbidding conditions. And the darkness. Not surprising that the people in Ísafjörður have a traditional celebration each year when the sun actually makes it over the crest of the mountain and they get their first sunlight in months.

THE MANY USES OF HELLO!

And now for something completely different: YT is suddenly faced with a big dilemma - I’ve run out of Hello! magazines. Oh not for reading. I generally only read them on planes, or possibly sunbenches while on holiday. No - the thing is that Hello! makes a perfect shield for our wicker laundry basket on which Polly the cockatiel likes to perch throughout the day. And shit on. I tell you this: there is hardly a celebrity on earth that Polly has not shat on at one time or another. In fact, YT was forced to dispose of the very last Hello! copy this morning, as every single celebrity in it was dotted with Polly shit.

Note to self: must stock up on Hello! and OK! while in the UK next week.

AND THE WEATHER IS…

Much the same as in recent days. Clear, sunny skies, frosty temps. The mountains surrounding Reykjavík all look like they’re covered in yummy white creamy icing. There’s a slight wind, accounting for some windchill, but as long as you bundle up warm and have your windproofing gear on you’re fine. Now, I’d like to give you sunrise/sunset but this wee posty is being tap-tap-tapped in a location other than my little home office, and the calendar was left behind. But do take comfort in the fact that, unless something drastic happens, they will be included tomorrow.

APPLAUSE AND THREE CHEERS TO…

deCode Genetics and SAA – National Center of Addiction Medicine, who have signed a cooperative agreement to work on isolating the gene that causes alcoholism and other addition. deCode, as some will know, is an Icelandic company founded on the brilliant premise that this is one of the best places in the world to study genetics, seeing as how we’re so horribly isolated and have spent all these centuries intermarrying and whatnot. [Oh, my! Could this be significant?] In any case, the EU has given this little project its blessing to the tune of ISK 330 million, which is the highest amount of dosh ever awarded to a research project in this country.

Hell, if it weren’t so damn inappropriate I’d prolly suggest having a drink to celebrate.

TRIVIA: THERE ARE 331 AA MEETINGS PER WEEK IN ICELAND

Which seems like a helluva lot, considering the entire population of the country is only 290,000. That’s like a small suburb of your basic metropolis holding 331 different AA meetings every week. A brief glance at the Icelandic AA website reveals that there are 20 different meetings in the Greater Reykjavík Area today alone and if you were so inclined you could start at 8 am and continue pretty much through until 9 pm.

Now you might surmise from all this that we’re a nation of drunks. And indeed, there is a certain unfortunate image that seems to linger, of Icelandic teenagers passed out on sidewalks and puking in doorways on any given weekend. A sight that, unfortunately, one is occasionally accosted by. But in YT’s opinion, Icelanders do not really imbibe more alcohol than other Western nations, it’s just that their drinking habits are, well, slightly more extreme. Like imbibing the amount that, say, the average German takes in on a weekly basis, on Saturday night alone.

Also, it seems less taboo in this country to admit to a problem than in many other places. Something like 10% of Icelandic men have gone into rehab at one time or another, including government ministers and other prominent personages who will publicly admit to it without even flinching. In fact, almost all workplaces in this country treat alcohol rehab as sick leave and are happy to facilitate recovery upon request. Which all in all I’d have to say is pretty healthy.

THE WEATHER

Started out blustery and freezing cold, but as the day progressed the wind died down and the sun came out. Temps even went up to around the freezing mark, so when YT went out for a run she was pleasantly surprised not to get freezer burn on the inside of her lungs. Happy to see that down by the seashore they’ve been cleaning up – there was a humongous pile of seaweed and other sea gunk, considerably taller than YT, (who is about 5’6 - 163 cm if you speak metric) just waiting there for… something. Temps currently –2 degrees. Sunrise was at 10.44 and sunset at 16.34.

ON THE MENU TONIGHT

Sushi. Put together by AAH. She’s been assigned cooking duty once a week, in an effort to differentiate her from any happy-go-lucky guest enjoying a stay in a 5-star hotel. Part of the deal is that she gets to pick what’s for dinner, and tonight EPI and I are the happy recipients of raw fish and miso soup. [Wasabi paste! Sinus burn, wah!!]

It is particularly fortuitous, therefore, that YT should read about a brilliant new invention in the paper this morning. Seems someone has come up with eyeglasses with removable arms that can double as sushi sticks. Eat sushi where you want! When you want! It’s as easy as removing your eyeglasses! Shame that YT doesn’t wear glasses, but surely an invention as brilliant as this will soon appear as sunglasses. Surely.

MEANWHILE ON THE DAILY GRIND FRONT

It has suddenly become mega-busy in the English translation/copy editing/freelance writing business. There are lengthy periods where work just barely chugs along, verging on the absurdly slow, facilitating long leisurely hours of blogging and surfing, and then bam! suddenly the whole damn country needs English language texts NOW! Which highlights yet another facet of the Icelandic national character – doing everything at the last minute, needing everything yesterday. A nation of stressaholics we are.

Consequently, this morning YT was little miss busybody, furiously hammering at the keyboard, yadayadayada-ing on the phone, until it was time to STOP! and go off for my bi-weekly massage. Aaahhh… Topped it off, as always, by heading to the Laugardalslaug pool and submerging self in a fabulous outdoor Jacuzzi (see pic here). It was freezing cold so the steam was dense over the water, making you feel like you were totally alone in a strange alien world. Was nice. Fabulous, in fact. And now what I want most to do is to crawl in between the covers and have an extra-long snooze. After imbibing said sushi, of course.

THE WEATHER WAS…

Super-chilly, and exceptionally beautiful. One of those clear, still days where the sun casts a gold hue on the white snow and the shadows colour it blue. Temps currently -5 degrees Celsius; daybreak was at 9.42 and sunrise at 10.47; sunset was at 16.30 and nightfall at 17.35.

Icelanders hold the world record in the following:

• Credit card usage
• Cocoa Puffs consumption
• Use of electricity
• Sponsoring children in Third World countries
• Internet penetration
• The number of rules for writing poetry
• Going to the cinema
• Subscribing to Walt Disney picture books
• Sales of the computer game Championship Manager
  

Yes, dear readers, YT is still preoccupied with the shocking bits of information gleaned from yesterday’s How Do You Like Iceland documentary.

JUST DON’T GET ME STARTED ON THE DRIVING…

One thing I was not surprised to hear foreigners rant about was the Icelanders’ appalling road manners. After almost 11 years of living in this country, I still cannot get over the complete and utter irreverence exhibited by Icelandic drivers. One of the interviewees commented that driving in Italy is a picnic compared to this place, something that YT has no trouble believing.

Icelandic drivers:

• Park wherever they feel like it: in handicapped parking spaces, diagonally across sidewalks, with their rears sticking out onto the road
• Drive at whatever speed they feel like, slow or fast
• Use indicator lights very sparingly, if at all
• Are always right on your ass, making parallel parking virtually impossible on busy roads
• Will slow down and stop in the middle of a road if they feel so inclined, irrespective of the speed of surrounding motorists
• If two people who know each other are coming from opposite directions they will almost inevitably stop their cars in the road to have a chat
• Ignore zebra crossings and green pedestrian lights
• In fact, ignore pedestrians in general

Was talking to a foreigner myself not too long ago – a guy who works at a foreign embassy here in town. Evidently the ambassador of this particular embassy refuses to drive in Iceland because he’s completely and utterly paranoid – and this is a man who has been posted to places like Greece and a couple of African states in the past (good thing he has his own personal Icelandic driver). The guy I was talking to – who happens to be French – claims that the most dangerous aspect of driving here is that it all seems so organized – but once you get out there it’s total chaos. ‘They think they’re alone on the road. They don’t see anybody else, and they don’t care. They just do what they want’. Precisely.

Incidentally, YT is particularly sensitive about this issue, having suffered whiplash injuries on two separate occasions since moving here. And whiplash injuries are a bitch – as anyone unfortunate enough to have experienced them will tell you.

OK, LET’S HAVE SOME WEATHER SHALL WE?

Ventured out into the open air on two separate occasions today. First went out for a run as soon as it was light enough to see where I was going and boy, what a run it was! Headed down to my customary route along the seashore, but the waves were crashing over the embankment so wildly that running was impossible – had to keep to the opposite side of the street, about 15 metres from shore – and I still got sprayed! Unsuspecting motorists were getting their vehicles doused bigtime (rust alert!) – which was fairly harmless, considering the Big Rocks that were being tossed forth by those muthas. (youch!)

Having made it back safe and sound, I ventured out a little later to assess the damage. The whole (previously manicured) shore was all mangled – filled with seaweed and rocks and such, making it virtually impossible to get close. Bloody cold it was, too, and we’re in for a wicked storm tonight according to Mr Weatherman. People on the West Fjords are being evacuated due to avalanche threat and others are advised to stay indoors (in their warm inviting Icelandic homes, natch). Temps are currently –4 Celsius (24.8°F) with slight wind. Daybreak was at 9.44, sunrise at 10.59. Sunset was at 16.27 and nightfall at 17.33.

Went out this afternoon to meet a friend. We took her dog for a walk down by the sea in Kópavogur but it was blustery and nasty cold with flurries so we hurried back to her place and had coffee and chocolate until she had to leave to go dance Tango with her boyfriend. On my way back home I popped into Penis mall* for a quick boo at how the January sales were coming along and within the space of an hour managed to spontaneously consumulate** a) a vacuum cleaner, b) a new watch, c) a new pair of Asics running shoes, d) two CDs.

‘Hello, my name is Alda and I’m not a shopaholic. Much.’

An hour later YT was bopping around kitchenside, diskman attached, listening to Led Zeppelin IV, freaking out over Stairway to Heaven all over again. Only this time, with the accumulation of Years and Experience, I was actually alert and aware as to how Brilliant that whole entire record is. Rock on!

WHAT DO YOU MEAN OUR HOUSES ARE UGLY??

Icelandic telly screened a new documentary this evening in which various foreign personages were asked about their impressions of our fair land and nation. These included Icelandophiles Terry Jones (Monty Python fame), Victoria Abril (various Spanish movies fame) and Damon Albarn (Blur fame). Whell. What an eye-opener it was. Turns out they think we have ugly architecture (humph!) and we’re rude, don’t say ‘please’ and ‘thank you’ enough and we all look the same because we all wear the same fashion all the time.

[Oh, er… forgot. That’s them, the Icelanders. YT, as has been documented, identifies with the positive aspects of the Icelandic national character only.]

On the other hand, once you get inside our homes (they say), they are amazingly warm and inviting. And the men in the crowd agreed that Icelandic women are very beautiful (oh stop!) particularly, I gather, as we have this direct and straightforward quality that men find attractive. Or something. And that this is a wonderful place to raise children because they can have so much freedom, which makes them independent at a very early age, which accounts for the Icelanders’ supposed boldness and independence of spirit.

I could go on but I should probably stop now because otherwise this posty would get too long and there would be a collective snore from out in cyberland wafting through my computer speaker. And YT hates snoring.

THE WEATHER

Temps currently –2 Celsius and there it is a fantastic, dramatic blizzard happening. The kind of weather that makes you relish being cosied up inside your warm and inviting Icelandic home. Daybreak today: 9.46, sunrise: 10.52; sunset: 16.24, nightfall: 17.30.

[Note, if you will, the change and how specific I have become with the sunrise/sunset times. This because there seemed to be a general misconception that it’s pitch black up here until sunrise and then the day is light and then, come sunset, it’s pitch black again. Which is not quite the case. And also because I got a better calendar.]

* a.k.a. Smáralind. It is shaped exactly like a penis. Honestly.

** I am perfectly aware that this is not a word.

You know what I absolutely love? English-language sign blunders. Here are five of my favourites:

At a Japanese hotel:

YOU ARE INVITED TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THE CHAMBERMAID

At a Swiss eatery:

OUR WINES LEAVE YOU NOTHING TO HOPE FOR

At an Acapulco hotel:

THE MANAGER HAS PERSONALLY PASSED ALL THE WATER SERVED HERE

A Bangkok dry cleaner:

DROP YOUR TROUSERS HERE FOR BEST RESULTS

A donkey ride place in Turkey:

WOULD YOU LIKE TO RIDE ON YOUR OWN ASS?

… Anybody know any more?

THE WEATHER

Gorgeous, which accounts for this hasty posty today. Goin’ out to get me some oxygen and some daylight while it lasts. Temps currently 3 degrees Celsius, partly cloudy skies, hardly any wind. Daybreak was at 9.47 and sunrise at 10.54; sunset is scheduled for 16.21 and nightfall for 17.28.