My, what a sharp little turn this blog has suddenly taken!
When I started blogging just over two years ago, I didn’t imagine I’d be sharing the things I did in the last post. Not because I particularly wanted to keep them hidden, but because they really had no place in my life anymore. The past no longer had the power to cripple or debilitate me, like it used to do. And since writing that post and reading all your responses, I’ve come to the conclusion that perhaps that’s precisely why I needed to write it. To show that the past really doesn’t need to control the present. Once upon a time, I didn’t believe that. I thought I was irrevocably damaged and that nothing I did could ever change that fact. I believed, for instance, that I could never have a loving relationship, or a family. Those things – the simple things that made people happy – were intended for other people, not for me. Now I know that’s not true.
Writing what I wrote in the last post was easy, but posting it was hard. And opening my email the next day was quite terrifying. I guess it’s taking that risk, allowing yourself to be vulnerable, and not knowing what the response will be. It’s the sense that when you lay yourself bare like that, people can come barging in and hurt you. Whereas in my experience, the opposite is in fact true. Vulnerability is the greatest strength there is. If you’re honest and have no secrets, then what can be used against you?
Anyway. What I really want now is to thank all of you who commented or emailed me with your words of kindness and support. It has totally opened my eyes to the immense value in sharing. You can believe that, even though I have not responded personally to each comment as I often do, I have read and pondered and been moved by each one. You’ve given me so much to think about with your responses. And have validated my feelings and experiences, and that is so good. Because being vulnerable like that also tends to bring on the old ghosts of self-doubt and denial … that little voice in the mind that whispers that maybe it wasn’t that bad, that I’m just blowing it out of proportion. The fact is that denial and self-doubt helped me to survive it at the time… but are no longer useful company. What I need now is people who help me gain a healthy perspective on what has gone before. Luckily I have those people around me today – and your responses have helped tip the scales even more.
I know I could go on and on, but that would be rambling and I’m not inclined to ramble. If I can sum up the solution that has helped me move on it is this: I have learned to accept what I cannot change, and tried my best to have the courage to change the things I can. Ultimately, I really only have control over three things: what I do, what I say, and what I think. Amazingly, those three things are enough to change my life.
In the meantime spring is descending on us, the sun shines longer and brighter each day, and all of a sudden everything in the house looks incredibly dusty! It turned colder today with snow after several days of gorgeous weather; right now it’s windy and dark with temps of 3°C. Sunrise was at 09.04 and sunset at 18.20.