Dear Edward Fisher, Isaiah Clements, Allen Bruckner, Dianna Barnes, Kenton Key, Ernestine, Enrique, Rusty, Iris, Natalie, Virginia Hays, Julian, Ila Richmond, Theodora Stephenson, et al.
I want you to know how deeply I appreciate your concern. The fact that you have taken the time to send me at least 30 e-mails a day over the past couple of weeks, filled with suggestions of how I might improve my life, nearly moves me to tears. Truly, your thoughtfulness is overwhelming and my cup runneth over with feeling.
However, please rest assured that your anxiety on my behalf is entirely unwarranted. The thing is, I do not have a penis that needs enlarging. Neither do I need ‘love pills’ nor, in fact, any other type of medication. Really, I’m fine! Also, I’ve tried playing the stock market and it turned out that it just wasn’t for me, so all those tips you keep sending really are falling on deaf ears. And call me naïve, but it just seems to me that having one copy of Windows XP on my computer is quite enough – I really don’t need another.
So – I just thought I would let you know the status up here. Because, quite frankly, you’re wasting your time on me. Also, you know what? I think if you keep sending all this concern around the world I think there’s a very good chance you’re going to rot in hell. So you might want to turn your attention to something that generates better karma.