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Christmas reflections

I feel vaguely guilty. I’d planned to send out a very ceremonious MERRY CHRIMBOS! type of post to all my lovely readers, but instead I’ve hardly gone near the computer for the past four or five days and it’s felt really good. So – a belated happy Christmas, and I hope your Yule was everything you hoped it would be.

Actually, it’s hard to believe that only four days have passed since my last post. It feels much longer, which of course is the thing about Christmas – you lose all track of time, or at least I do. I can never remember which day it is or how many days have passed or where exactly in the universe I am positioned, that sort of thing.

It’s been a great few days, very eventful, filled with joy and love and friendship, and happily a fair bit of LAZY. There’s also been time for reflection, which is good. Earlier today EPI and I were talking about Christmases past, the Christmases of our childhoods, and he was asking me something about how some tradition or other had been in my household. And I had to remind him once again of our differences, which is that EPI had a “household” while growing up, while YT did not. Meaning that EPI had stable childhood and upbringing, a solid family unit, strong traditions at Christmas, etcetera, whereas my Christmases were all very, um, diverse. They were held in various countries, in various households, with various people. I’ve even spent Christmas alone a couple of times. And, if the truth be told, more often than not I was miserable at Christmas [and not on the ones I spent alone – not at all]. The Christmases I spent with my mother and her husband, for instance, in their icy cold suburban house, getting presents that were the cheapest they could possibly get away with, were absolutely soul-crushing. Just as an example.

So I developed a serious aversion to Christmas, and by the time I entered adulthood I basically put all my emotions on ice in December and just plowed through, hoping it would soon be over. But then, surprisingly, a few years ago my Christmases started to get better, and in the past few years they have been wonderful. A lot of that is about having a loving partner to share them with, and being accepted and incorporated into a strong family unit, which has been amazing for me, not to mention enlightening. Also, letting go of expectations has helped a lot. A couple of years ago I woke up to the fact that I’d let go of expectations about how things were supposed to be, and so I stopped being disappointed and disillusioned when things didn’t turn out the way I wanted them to.* What freedom! Now I focus on enjoying things as they come and I only seem to have good experiences. I can’t decide whether it was like that in the past too and I just didn’t see it, or whether it’s because I’m generally much happier and so am attracting happier experiences. Not that it matters.

And now if you’ll excuse me I’m going to watch yet another episode of Grey’s Anatomy on DVD and relish the fact that I’m my own boss and I’ve given myself the day off tomorrow.

It started to snow on the 23rd and it’s stayed gloriously, magnificently white. I wish you could see how beautiful the city is with the fresh snow and the Yule decorations everywhere [of course some of you know just what I’m talking about]. Right now -1°C [30F] and the sun came up at 11.23, set at 15.33.

* Incidentally, I don’t want to give the impression that this just happened automatically. There was a lot of work involved. But somehow I didn’t expect that the rewards would be so great.